December 25, 2008
New Stuff
I'ts December and I'm back in California. With legal separation papers and a return ticket to England.
I finally have mental space for things like where-should-I-live and what-should-I-do-for-money-next. My inner dialog is no longer one long wordless shriek of loss and pain. Welcome back, English language. I've missed you.
That doesn't mean everything's stopped hurting. But it's a hell of a start.
My current client may be asking me to move to Vancouver this year. Part of me says I should say 'yes' and take the money. A bigger part of me says 'fuck that - you've got a planet full of gigs to choose from.' We'll see. Definitely not feeling at all anchored to California. My parents are here. My sisters are here. But I can get to them if they need me.
And the friends I have in CA are just as far or near as my laptop. I'm learning that friendship (for me) isn't about who you have brunch with. It's about knowing and being known. Geographical proximity is a bonus, that's all.
I'm grateful that I didn't lose everything this year. The life I wanted was gone before I even got to look at it up close. In many ways it was gone before it ever existed. Pipe dream.
I lost the life I thought I had. I lost the partner I thought I knew. I lost an extended inlaw family that I adored. I lost a pretty big chunk of change (yeah I'm talking to you San Francisco real estate market).
But I didn't lose my work and I didn't lose my identity. In a way I feel steadier in myself than I have in years. And I gained some new friendships, and even gained a few new pipe dreams.
Let's see what kinds of happy, if any, I can wrest from 2009.
